six.

what a bittersweet week!

besides doing a lot of work for school, and working 10 hour shifts, i was able to go to the hillsongs concert @ the tower, and it was seriously one of THE most amazing experiences of my life. i can honestly say that i had a tough time with my faith, and had multiple moments of doubt in my life, but seriously, this concert helped me get things back into perspective, and helped me realize how important it is for me to hold on to god no matter how tough my life could get. i had goosebumps throughout the night, and cried tears of joy. sigh, to see everyone in that room give all their glory to god was such an amazing feeling.

mm, i also went to the phillies game on saturday night. even though we lost, and it was freezing outside, it was a fun time. definitely more games to attend in the future. which also means more ryan howard. hahaha <3

and to turn things around, i cannot tolerate people who act like they are better than everyone. i can notice it right away in a person and when i do, i get turned off by it so much. it just pisses me off, and it'll seriously get underneath my skin for days. it's those people that always have to be correct, and can't accept it when they're wrong. or to think that they know everything and must prove it until they make their statement clear just to belittle someone else. i call it pure selfishness. there's a fine line between joking and being serious, and you are definitely not joking. just to think a friendship would become more intimate, their true-selves slowly start to peel away, and you get a real taste of who they really are.

well, no thank you. take a good look at yourself and realize that you are not ALL that. be considerate for once and accept reality. life isn't always pretty, darling. you can roll your damn eyes all you want and believe whatever goes on in your head, but one day you'll understand. i've had many friendships come and go, and it was really hard for me to trust again. but to those who have been constantly by my side and supporting me throughout my troubled times, i seriously love you guys. trust me, i can clearly tell the difference between the ones who truly care, and the ones who put on a face full of bullshit. although my close friends might only be a few, you guys have been there for me twenty-four seven, and i can't thank yall enough. :')

okay, enough with my little rant.
i've got a busy day tomorrow, so i'm going to hit the sack.
peace & love.

five.

hello hello,

i'm on the plane right now, writing this blog for you guys. airtran has free wi-fi on their planes until the 27th, because american express is promoting their new credit card, so i got pretty lucky. it's so hot and uncomfortable in here. my friend isn't even sitting next to me, because this flight was sold out, and we couldn't switch seats in time.

i'm flying from atlanta. i went there on friday for the weekend, to go audition for a new korean entertainment company. i got really sick the day before my flight, so by the time i auditioned, i was feeling like a complete mess. my head felt really heavy/congested, and i was literally coughing my lungs out. but surprisingly, i did well. i really hope i get a call back. :( my friends & i went to cheesecake factory after our auditions, and i totally forgot i took sudafed, and drank a beer. so the whole night, my stomach was going out of control. i never felt cramps so bad in my life. ugh, what a failure i am sometimes. but yeah. the trip was fun, besides the fact that i was really sick & congested. i got to meet a lot of new people, and that's always a plus.

my cousin took us to the coca cola museum today. it was actually pretty neat. we got to taste 60 different types of drinks from coca cola, that's produced all over the world. ugh, there was this really really nasty drink though. the name was "beverly" and i think it was from italy. there was this god awful after taste, and i felt like throwing up. but ofcourse i lied and made my cousin & amy try some, and they felt the same way as i did. hahahaha :)

i can't wait to get off this plane. i get such bad earaches and headaches, it drives me crazy. i have to force myself to yawn atleast 20 times, i swear, haha. anyhowwwww. this trip will be one to remember. i laughed so much, haha. i guess that makes up for my sucky cold that i have going on right now. and also, thanks to everyone for all the prayers towards my mom. she's slowly getting better, and i can't be anymore thankful for the awesome friends that i have. love yall seriously <3

okay! it's freaking hot as balls in this plane.
here are some quotes that i'll never forget from this trip:

"you look like garbage with glasses" - james
"wow, 3 out of 3. are you on drugs?" - james
"mama, i hungry. i want suh fry chicken" - amy
"helloooooooo anduhrewwww~~~~~ ;)" - anonymous



<3

four.

hello lovers.

i know it's been awhile. i've been super busy these days, and to add to that, super super stressed. i've been basically living at the hospital. my mom's always in & out of that damn place, and i'm just sick of going there. whenever she heals, there's always another issue with her, and the amount of stress & emotion that builds through my body is seriously intolerable. whenever she's at the hospital, my dad is at work maintaining the restaurant by himself, and i just can't bare to see him suffer like that. i try to work there as much as i can, so i can let him leave early, get some rest, and close the restaurant myself. it's just really hard these days, especially when i'm juggling work, school, and making sure my mom is physically healthy enough to take care of herself. sometimes, it just seems like life isn't fair. my parents really do not deserve any of this shit, but i believe that life works in its mysterious ways. i'm just waiting for that day when we'll all finally realize why we were always put into these types of situations. maybe it's a way of god punishing me for not going to church these days, and doubting my faith. i don't know. i just really need a push in life. i wish i could just go for my dreams, or move out of state and go to a good school, but all of that is merely impossible at the moment. i know i'm getting older, and time is flying by, but right now, my life is at a standstill and i need to focus on the bigger picture and that is to help my family as much as i can. to all that continue to talk shit, or belittle people like me who aren't graduating in "time", you guys can seriously take your words and shove it up your effing ass. i will become successful. it only takes a matter of time, but i will make damn sure that i will prove it to each and every one of you.

anyways.
i'm going to atlanta this weekend with amy. we're going to try out for a small korean company, and hopefully things will work out. time is just flying way too fast, and i need to take every opportunity that comes my way. i know music is my passion, but sometimes, i really don't know if it was meant for me. i try to figure out every day, what my purpose is in life, and to all my failed conclusions, everything seems to lead to music music music. i'm praying that this is what god has in store for me, and even if it isn't, i'll still continue to appreciate music just as much as i did before.

other than that, i had a fun weekend. aj & andrew came to visit philly, and they performed at ecaasu. i had the lovely privilege to meet all the performers (thanks & love you aj), and to meet some really awesome people there. even though most of us hadn't slept for more than 24 hours, it was all well worth it.

well ladies and gents, i am going to call it quits. working almost every day is slowly starting to fix my messed up sleeping schedule. i miss writing in this blog, (not that i wrote much anyways), so i will start updating daily. i hope you readers enjoyed my new ventage entry. yes, i know i vent in every one of my blog entries, but i promise i'll have a happy one, one day :)


and to end this entry,
here is a new song that i'm desperately trying to learn.
i love love love it <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aanl-EWzXBg


love yall.

three.

hello everyone!

i apologize once again for my last entry. i had some major venting to do, and i feel like this is a good place to let it all out. anyhow, today was once again, another tiring day. i went to class, the teacher picked on me and lindsay, which is nothing out of the ordinary, and then i took a math exam which wasn't so bad. last week, i totally thought i bombed another math exam because i didn't know half of the questions, but i guess i got lucky. i received a 92! yeah yeah, i hate people like me too.

i found out today that jess can't go to boston with me. i was very upset, but what am i to do. luckily, another friend agreed to go with me, so i'm glad i can still go on this trip. atleast i'm not going alone, thank god. this is my first time traveling without a car in a long time, so we'll see how good my knowledge of trains and buses are. i want to go shopping. lots and lots of shopping. i haven't gone in awhile, so hopefully we'll see some nice places there.

so, i decided to start writing music again. ever since i was a little girl, i would sit at the piano and just think of melodies that pop into my head. they've been with me ever since. seriously, music is my source of comfort. when i'm upset or angry, i usually just sit there and start jamming out to whatever. may it be christian music, secular, anything. i love it. i'm so happy my parents signed me up for lessons when i was 5. if they hadn't, i probably would have signed myself up anyways, haha. i want to buy a really nice keyboard. something i can put in my room, or take to college when i transfer out. i don't think i could ever live without my piano. my next goal is to learn the guitar. i only know a few chords, and like.. three songs. anybody willing to teach me? please?

but yes, i want to jam! i miss when the fkbc crew used to meet up at church, and just spend hours jamming to praise. those were seriously the good times of my life. what happened to us? i miss you guys.


mm, that just about wraps everything up for today. i'm very tired right now, and i have to work from 7am - 3pm tomorrow. ugh, and to add onto that, i have two exams to worry about! anyway, i'm still thinking about getting my monroe pierced. and i really want to buy some stuff on karmaloop. i love love love that store. okay, well here are a few pictures of the clothes i'm eyeing on. enjoy and goodnight! =)





i want this.



i want this so bad, you have no idea.




this would look hot on a guy.





the end.

two.

dedicated to someone special.

i can't believe i'm saying this, but i want you out of my life. we've had our good times, and a great amount of our bad ones too. to think that we could atleast be friends, is not even possible anymore. i don't know who you are, or what you've become, but you really need to get a good look at yourself and see how pathetic you look and come off to be. i've sacrificed so much for you, and i don't think you even realize that. i can't believe how stupid i was to even listen to you like i was some dog on a leash. you don't know how much i gave up, just to make you happy. all my friends were against it, but i had hope in you. i went against them, and i believed in you. that just goes along with many of my mistakes on the list. at the same time, i lowered myself to your level, and got mistreated as if i were nothing, yet i still continued, hoping that it would make a difference to you, or maybe you'd realize that i was still here. yeah, i made mistakes too, but that doesn't give you the right to walk all over me like i'm useless shit. i don't know what made me keep on going. well buddy, i hope you have a good life, because this is it. what the hell was i thinking to ever believe that there was more to where we started.


other than that, life is good. the weather is cold. and i'm going to bed. thank you to those who are reading! i'll have a real entry tomorrow. necessary ventage was needed tonight.

one.

hello all,

this is my first blog entry. i've missed xanga (before myspace and facebook), and being able to write about my life, and the thoughts that i keep inside. therefore, i'm going start writing here on a daily basis from now on. other than that useless introduction, life has been.... just about okay.

i hate college. i don't think i'm meant for school. i've been forcing myself to like pre-optometry/pre-med/pre-whatever you choose to call it, but it's just not me! my love and passion goes towards music, and i really want to live around it for the rest of my life. but the thing i'm most scared of is failure. failing to achieve my dreams, failing to succeed, failing to make my parents proud. i don't know what to do. time is passing by so fast. it feels like i graduated from high school yesterday. i've been spending some serious time thinking about what i want to do with my life, and it's hard. but i'm sure God will lead me to the right path. i know i'm meant for something, but right now, i just don't know what that is. i'm praying strong!

so, besides my little life crisis, today was a good day. the weather shifted so fast. it was so warm a couple days ago, and now i'm bundled up in my jacket, freezing my butt to class. but i like it. i love the autumn weather. it's my favorite season out of the whole year. just the whole scenery with the different colors on the leaves, the chilly breeze; it just gives me that warmth inside. i don't know, i can't explain it. and if you guys can't relate, then i probably just sounded like a cheesy paragraph from a love story.

i've been watching one tree hill for almost a few weeks now. i never watched it before, maybe a clip or two from tv, but that was about it. my friends always talk about it, so i decided to give it a shot. and now, unfortunately, i am an addict. i'm on season 4 already! talk about crazy. i think i have more motivation to watch a new episode, than to start reading my textbook. it's pretty good, but all the lovey dovey stuff in that show gets to my head, and that's not good. no wonder people always try to base their love lives off of movies and what not.

my best friend, jess (yeah, who would've thought we would have the same name?) is leaving for korea very soon. she's going off to teach english, and won't be back until july. i can't even celebrate her 21st with her! hopefully she can make it back in time to celebrate mine with me. but, she can buy me tons of gifts in korea to make up for it. (hehehe) i'm going to miss having her around. we've been through some crazy times together. but that girl has always been there for me when i needed her most. i love you, choboy! we're actually going on our first trip together. boston! i've always wanted to go up there, especially since senior year to visit berklee. and ever since the day i rejected harvard. (hahaha, not). we'll be spending the night there, so we'll have plenty of time to visit different colleges. we're looking forward to berklee, harvard, and mit! yay, exciting. haha, me and jess are seriously so stupid together sometimes. the other night, we randomly tried to name all 50 states. (it was her idea). i think we were in my room thinking of states for like.. 30 minutes, haha. we couldn't think of two for the longest times, so i ran to my other room and opened up the map, and found out the two states were: iowa and massachusetts. we kept talking about boston so much, that we thought it was a state, and forgot about massachusetts. we sound like losers, but i promise you, we are not. haha.



anyhow, that is the end of my first blog.
for now, i must go buy some starbucks to keep me warm.

also! i like to end my blogs with lyrics to some of my favorite songs. so, here is a part from jimmy eat world - softer. (listen to the song, if you haven't already!)


she's perfect in her own way.
smoke rings rising to the winter grey.
shining, stepping off a silver train.
she's amazing in her own way